It’s not uncommon for people to use all sorts of products and groceries for masturbation. From wrinkly cucumbers to curvy bananas, you can play around with any penis-shaped fruit or veggie. However, what if we tell you that you can make a completely edible toy penis from ingredients lying around your kitchen? Read on and find out how to make yourself a yummy candy dildo.
What You’ll Need
The great thing about making a toy like this is that you’ll only need a couple of household items to begin. Namely, you’ll need only four of them — a milk carton, vegetable or coconut oil, a phallic model, and some paraffin wax. Here’s why.
The carton of milk will serve as a container for the other three ingredients to mash up. You can use any box-like carton as long as the size fits your future toy. The vegetable/coconut oil will help with greasing up the mold. You’ll pull it out with ease once the wax becomes firm enough.
The reason why you’ll need a mold is pretty self-evident. Well, you need something to leave the empty space for your ingredients to pour into. The wax is there to make sure your mold stays in place. Hence, the end product will come out looking like these toys from LG.
Step 1: Creating the Mold
Your DIY dildo is only as good as your mold is. Therefore, it’s vital to make one that’s firm and well-shaped. To begin, cut your milk carton on one side and place it on your kitchen table so that the open side is looking up towards you. Make sure that the carton is deeper than the toy you want to make.
Once you do that, use the vegetable/coconut oil to grease the toy you’ll use to create the shape of your future candy dildo. Don’t be shy while greasing it up and make sure you get every part of it nice and shiny with oil. By doing this, you’ll allow it to get out of the wax without any fuss and leave a perfect mold for the ingredients to fill up.
Place the greasy toy inside the carton and try to center it as well as you can. The placement is important because you want all sides to be equally covered with wax and apply the same pressure. Next up, you need to heat the paraffin wax. You can do it in any pot.
Once the wax melts, you can pour it into the carton. Make sure there’s enough of it so that you fill it up equally on all sides. When done, leave the carton for a while for the paraffin wax to tighten.
Step 2: Cut the Mold in Half
Now it’s time to get your model out and leave room for your homemade dildo. What you want to do is cut the mold in half and get the toy out. Sure, it might be a bit tricky, but you’ll get the hang of it in no time. So use a knife, scalpel, or any other sharp object to begin the cutting process.
You’re trying to cut it in half, so make sure you follow a straight line across the mold. You don’t want to do a sloppy job because you won’t be able to put the two halves back together afterward. Take your time and do it with precision.
Once you finish cutting, take the model penis out. Leave the toy on the table and begin to grease up the insides of your mold. Again, don’t be shy and use enough oil because your future homemade sex toy mustn’t end up glued to the mold. Join the two sides with either some glue or tape.
Step 3: Making the Dildo
Before we begin to explain the process of penis molding, we’ll list what you’ll need to make your toy cock delicious and good-looking. Check the ingredients below.
1 cup of sugar
⅓ cup of butter
9 cups of powdered sugar
⅓ cup of powdered milk
⅔ cup of white corn syrup
1 tsp of vanilla
¼ tsp of salt
Once you have all these ingredients, put the powdered milk, salt, and powdered sugar into a bowl of your choice. On the other side, place the butter, corn syrup, and ordinary sugar in a pan on the cooking stove. Make sure you don’t burn it, so stir it until it begins to boil. When it starts to boil, stir it for another five minutes.
If you’re going to eat your delicious, large dildo, add vanilla to the pan. Take it off the stove and place it aside. Mix the ingredients from the bowl with the boiling ones from the pan. Pour this mixture into your mixer and turn it on. Once it’s taffy-like, pour it into the mold and leave it to rest overnight.
Reminders When Using It
Sure, your homemade toy won’t look like a realist dildo immediately. It will take time for you to master your skills. However, that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to use your new dildo after the first time. However, before you do so, it’s essential to take a few more steps.
Firstly, when you unmold your toy penis, wipe the oil from it. You don’t want to get the grease inside your vagina when you try it out. If you place something sugary inside your pussy, you risk getting a nasty yeast infection. Also, we suggest you slip a condom over it before you begin using it.
Another tip we’d like to mention is that your DIY toy won’t work well as a strap-on dildo. Why? Well, it’s not made from premium materials; hence, the chances of it breaking while you’re thrusting are pretty big. So don’t overestimate your cooking skills just yet.
Nevertheless, it will work fine as a regular vaginal or anal dildo. If you’re not quite sure about whether it’s too fragile, you can always decorate it. Think of it as your little sexy science project and let your imagination run wild with it.
People have been getting freaky in the bedroom (and outdoors) for centuries, and sometimes, things get pretty crazy. Whether it’s because of tradition, culture or just general kinkiness, there’s a bunch of weird sexual customs the world over that make you go WTF.
Check them out!
1. Boys & girls of the Sambian tribe have to drink semen
The Sambian Tribe of New Guinea have a tradition of separating their boys from the girls at the age of 7 for 10 years. During this period, they undergo piercings, nose bleeds and have to drink the semen of the tribes mightiest warriors. Game over.
2. Girls of the Trobriander Tribe engage in sexual acts from age 6
The Trobriander Tribe from Papua, New Guinea embrace sexuality from an astonishingly young age. Boys start engaging in sexual activity from the age of 10-12, while the girls start from 6 years! Isn’t that illegal?
3. In Mangaia, older women have sex with young boys
In Mangaia, an island in the South Pacific Ocean, boys around the age of 13 have sex with older women who teach them the intricacies of the act and how best to please their partners. One way ticket please!
4. In Rural Austria, women feed armpit-flavoured apples to their suitor
In rural Austria, young women do a ritual dance with apple slices stuffed in their armpits. After the dance, each gives her slice to the man of her choice, and he then eats it.
5. The Kreung Tribe builds love huts where teenaged girls can have sex with different men till they find the one
With the Kreung Tribe in Cambodia, the elders build a love-hut for their teenage daughters. Different boys spend the night here day after day, until she finds a suitable partner, who is then with her for life.
6. In Ancient Greece, men took young boys as lovers
For Ancient Greeks, sexual identity didn’t depend on gender and preference but on who was the active penetrator and who was the penetratee(?). The active role was associated with higher social status, while the passive role meant youth and feminity, or ‘boy love’ in other words.
7. In certain Nepali tribes, brothers share one woman
Some Nepali tribes in the Himalays practise polyandry. Basically, all the brothers share one woman, so that they don’t have too many children for their limited farmland.
8. The Wodaabe Tribe holds a wife-stealing festival every year
In the Wodaabe Tribe of Niger in West Africa, children are married in their infancy. However, at the yearly Gerewol Festival, Wodaabe men wear elaborate makeup and costumes and try to covertly steal another’s wife. If they go undetected, their union becomes recognised.
9. Public masturbation ceremonies were held in Ancient Egypt
Ancient Egypt was obsessed with masturbation. They believed the ebb and flow of the Nile was caused by their god of creation’s ejaculation. Thus, the would ritually masturbate into the Nile to ensure a wealth of water for crops. During the Egyptian festival of the god Min, who represented the pharaoh’s sexual power, men regularly masturbated in public.
10. In Indonesia, you can have sex outside marriage during Pon celebration
During the celebration of Pon in Indonesia, participants have to spend the night and have intercourse with someone other than their wife or husband. It is said that their wishes of good luck will only come true if they have sex with the same person at all seven celebrations throughout the year.
11. Adolescents of the Muria Tribe, Chattisgarh, can ‘practise’ sex without emotional attachment
The Muria Tribe from Chattisgarh have a very sexually liberated culture. They have mixed-sex dormitories where adolescents are sent to practice premarital sex, sometimes with a single partner and sometimes serially. They are discouraged from becoming emotionally attached to their partners.
12. In Inis Beag, near Ireland, people make love with their underwear on
The people of Inis Beag, an island off the coast of Ireland, are so sexually repressed that they keep their underwear on even during sexual intercourse. Smart.
13. Women of the Guajiro tribe must make a man ‘fall’ to make love
Colombia’s Guajiro people have a ceremonial dance. If a woman trips a man during the dance, they must have sex.
Rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused. But creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out) can be challenging. Read on to discover proven examples of D/s rules and protocols, and maybe pick up some new ideas to transform your connection.
What are BDSM rituals?
Sometimes people will use the words rituals, rules, and protocols interchangeably but they are slightly different. A BDSM protocol is a hard and fast rule usually listed in a D/s contract. A ritual is more of a way of carrying out something. It almost always involves an action where the Dom prescribes a series of behaviors for their pleasure and benefit.
Why have Dom/sub rituals?
Rituals are a way to discipline a sub. They teach them obedience and submission and keep them in the right frame of mind. This is true for the Dom as well. Sometimes if a sub has been allowed to act too bratty or is topping from the bottom, a ritual can snap both parties back into their role.
I really enjoy my rituals and view them as almost solemn and spiritual. When I perform a ritual it feels somewhat ceremonial even. I take pleasure in knowing I’m doing something my Daddy wants and that makes him happy.
Examples of D/s rituals, rules, and protocols
Rituals are automatic and a good sub shouldn’t have to be asked to do it every time. If a sub does forget (they’re not perfect) they should be disciplined to the proper degree. A good Dom doesn’t make up rituals just for the sake of having one. There should be a reason for them and should be for their pleasure. To give you some ideas, here are a few examples of the rules and protocols my Daddy has for me:
My Daddy usually goes to bed before me since he wakes up early, so once I’m all ready for the night, I sit in the bed next to him and kneel. If he doesn’t wake up by then I will lightly rub him and say, “I’m ready for bed now, Daddy.” If he hasn’t gone to bed yet I’ll kneel on the floor instead and wait for permission to get in bed. He also has me kneel before a scene as well.
2. Arrival greeting
This is another popular ritual and one I can safely perform in front of others. When he comes home, wherever I am in the house and no matter what I’m doing, I go and greet him with a kiss and tell him, “Hi Daddy”.
3. A morning text
My Daddy decided on the joint ritual of every morning texting each other. He usually texts me first to tell me good morning and that he loves me. I reply with how I’m feeling, a detailed plan for my day, and that I love him. I love waking up and seeing a text from him, and this also allows him to make sure I’m getting up when I’m supposed to.
There are so many ways to incorporate collars with rituals. Currently we have two. The first one is I have to wear my Day Collar whenever I leave the house or around company. If he’s home he will put it on for me. Second, when I kneel before a scene he puts my Play Collar on me.
Sometimes in vanilla relationships, shaving becomes a chore that’s done begrudgingly even though the other partner prefers it. Making it a D/s ritual can make it more enjoyable. I always make sure I’m freshly shaven for my Daddy, and I also get a Brazilian wax about every 3 weeks. (As a masochist, I actually love getting it done.)
You probably don’t think of punishments when you’re discussing rituals, but they can actually go together quite nicely. When the sub misbehaves, the Dom can tell them to get whatever implement they choose (belt, flogger, crop, etc.). The sub has to go get it, kneel, and present it in their hands, with their palms facing up. This can make the discipline more degrading, and as a result, more effective.
Can Doms have BDSM rituals too?
Yes and no. Doms will do certain actions as a routine but they are never expected to do it, as they are allowed to do whatever they want. An example is how my Daddy opens doors for me. Before I get in the car or enter a building he will almost always open the door for me, and it makes me love and respect him as my Dom even more each time. Other ideas are combing or braiding the sub’s hair at night, ordering for them at restaurants, and staying on the outside of their sub when they’re walking on the street.
When a D/s ritual isn’t working
It may be that after performing certain rituals they will have to be modified or eliminated. Here’s an example that happened to us one time:
Every morning when Daddy was at work I had to let him decide my panties for the day. I’d pick out three, lay them in a row, take a picture, and text it to him. This was fun at first and I did it for almost a month. It ended up causing me a lot of stress though. There were many mornings I would have to rush because it was taking up too much time. I told my Dom, knowing full well he could say, “You’re doing it anyway.” But instead, he said he would think about it and let me know the next day. Thankfully he told me I could stop. He still makes choices on my panties from time to time, and will often tell me to wear none when I’m in a dress or skirt.
So if a ritual isn’t working in a D/s dynamic, a sub can always talk to their Dom about it respectively, or through a journal.
One of the best ways to make sure a ritual is remembered and carried out is to write it down. Hopefully these examples have given you some ideas for creating your own BDSM rules and protocols. Keep finding peace in your rituals. They benefit both the Dom and the sub and are essential for transformation, training, and discipline.
In ancient history, there have been a lot of extremely strange rituals when it comes to sex. Here are a few that we are glad died out!
1. Spending your first night married in a sack.
Back in the 17th century, the English used to practice something known as ‘bundling’. When a young teenage couple got married, they would be allowed to sleep in a bed together but their parents didn’t want to have another mouth to feed 9 months down the line.
To combat this the girl would put on a sack which would be tied tightly around her waist so her husband couldn’t get in. As well as that they were tucked tightly into bed together and a board was inserted in the middle of the bed to keep them well and truly away from each other.
2. Customs are really weird in Papua New Guinea
The boys of the Sambia Tribe in Papua New Guinea had probably the cruelness rite of passage of all. Before they were accepted as men into the tribe they were separated from the women and then forced to give fellatio to the strongest warriors in the tribe.
By doing this, the boys were then considered men and welcomed back into their tribe.
3. The Guajiro People of Columbia
These people believe that if a woman can successfully trip a man over while you are dancing with him then the two of you must have sex.
Imagine a nightclub in Dublin if these rules applied!!!
4. Love potions were seriously nasty things
All through the ages people used to drink/ eat love potions to try and improve their odds with the opposite sex. The ingredients that went into them were usually awful, ranging from gypsum, which is used in wall construction, to hyena eyes.
Love potions in France often contained flies and menstrual blood.
5. There were places in Ireland where they never took off their clothes
This one is a bit out there but when an anthropologist called John Cowan Messenger visited the island of Inis Beag off the coast of Connemara he found them to be amongst the most sexually repressed in the world! This was an account he made when he visited back in the 60s:
“Inis Beag, a small island off the coast of Ireland, is among the most naive and sexually repressive societies in the world. The islands abhor nudity, with adults washing only the parts of the body that extend beyond their clothing.
“Even marital partners keep underclothes on during sexual activity.
“The male has orgasm quickly and immediately falls asleep. Men believe that intercourse is hard on their health and will not engage in sex the night before an energy-demanding task. Moreover, they do not approach their wives sexually during menstruation or for months after childbirth.”
6. The Church chose missionary as the least sinful position
The church had a lot to say about sex and decided that missionary was the only position couples could do without being sinful.
If the woman was on top or if doggy-style was being tried these would mess with traditional male/ female roles.
If a couple were caught doing a ‘sinful position’ they could be sentenced to 3 years penance! No thanks!
7. Ancient Chinese men were not allowed to ejaculate
In ancient China, many people were into Taoism. Taoism believes that we all have a lot of chi which is essentially our life force. Inside the body, the chi is called jing and they believe that sperm contains the most amount of jing. Losing jing can cause illness or death.
As a result of this belief Chinese men would have sex but had to not ejaculate which was very difficult for them. Especially since they were advised to have a lot of sex to produce jing.
Stimulation of the anus is able to excite. Such caresses are relevant for both men and women and you can wear the anal sleeve for the sake of pleasant emotions, for a small expansion of the anus or to prepare for further penetration. Sometimes wearing a butt plug outside is part of an erotic game, aside from the ever trending ben wa balls.
Butt plugs for wearing have a special limiter: it is not wide, and gently holds between the buttocks. At the same time he does not bulge out from under clothes, does not rub soft skin. The inner part is not too wide and flexible, so that any movements are not difficult to perform. Such a sex toy does not hinder movement, but only stirs the imagination.
An example of such a device is an anal chain for wearing the Booty Beads. This is a few balls connected together, they are nice to enter into the anus and feel inside. Butt plug Blue has an anatomical shape, it is able to stimulate the prostate while walking, and during moments of physical exertion it makes every movement very pleasant.
Butt Plug with crystals became bestsellers in America and Europe. These are also the popular butt plugs brought in hotels. Decoration in the style of luxury enchants at first sight. Thanks to its weight, it is ideal for training the muscles of the anus. This is the best way to please and surprise your partner.
Butt plugs can be equipped with additional features, such as vibration. On the Nexus G-Play Medium, the power button is at the bottom, it is not very convenient, because it will be difficult to turn it in a crowded place. But in the model Anal Fantasy Collection Remote Control Silicone Plug is equipped with a remote control with which you can adjust the intensity of movement.
Sex toys for couples are made from quality materials that do not cause irritation. They are hypoallergenic and suitable for frequent and intensive use. Silicone models can be worn in the body for up to 6 hours without a break. PVC options – no more than 3 hours.
How to choose a butt plug for wearing?
To feel the fullness, buy a classic shape cork. It will be felt at any time: in the gym, on a walk, at work. But such a thing is noticeable during the movements. In the stillness is almost not felt.
Sleeves for wearing with vibration are an opportunity to even experience an orgasm in a crowded place. But it is more convenient to buy a sex toy that is controlled from a remote control or from a smart phone. Then it can be included at any time. If the control on the device itself, then, to reach the power button, you have to retire. And these toys are on sale during this season at Love Plugs and we all know we love prices on sale so don’t missed out, visit them now.
Female vibrators for wearing went on sale recently. Previously, only vaginal balls could be used for these purposes, but they helped strengthen the muscles, but did not give pleasure. Today, in the windows of sex shops there are vibrators that can be used anywhere. There are also vibrators used when premature ejaculation kicks.
Butt plug is a vibrating massager that is controlled from a smart phone. In the bosom of a woman, its main oblong part is immersed, while a small tail looks out and touches the clitoris. With the help of a special application, you can turn on vibration at any time, and the toy will begin to move completely silently to the beat. She can even repeat movements to the beat of the music, the composition is chosen by the owner of the smart phone.
Similar device lush- the ball is inserted into the vagina, and the control takes place with the help of Apple Watch. There are similar functions in Lyla 2, as well as in several other types of vibroiites with remote control. All of them can be used for excitement, and if you trust the remote control partner, the game will be much brighter and more exciting.
Vibro-stimulators for wearing are almost always rechargeable. Only in the remote have to buy batteries. Most models are waterproof, which makes maintenance easier. And durable materials do not require special storage conditions. Sex toys for wearing can change a person’s sex life. She turns excitement into a game, and sex into an exciting adventure. And any of these devices is suitable for experiments in a pair.
Butt plug: what is it and how to choose?
Everyone knows that there are several types of orgasm. It can be clitoris, vaginal and anal. Additional caress of erogenous zones will help to make it brighter. For example, if a partner prepares his partner for sexual intercourse and massages her clitoris, then if he just enters the vagina, the woman will get an orgasm faster and much brighter. It also happens with the caresses of the anus.
Butt plug: features of use
Butt plug is a popular toy for sexual pleasures, but few know what it really is for. It is used not only in intimate proximity with a partner, but also in individual caresses. It helps to stimulate the nerve endings of the anus, which ultimately brings a lot of pleasant sensations. The classic model has the shape of a cone, a sharp nose and a stop that prevents the traffic jam from falling out due to the muscles of the sphincter. At the base, it has a wide portion that helps to easily remove the plug and protect it from sinking into the anus.
The ideal option for using it can be considered sex between two partners. During the introduction of the tube into the anus, the diameter of the vagina is significantly narrowed, which ultimately leads to the fact that not only a woman gets a lot of pleasure, but also a man. Cork can also be used individually during masturbation.
Latex-wear enthusiasts are popularly known as “rubberists”.
The public imagery of a rubberist has historically been portrayed in a very narrow & negative light, with limiting the fetish to the stereotypical, all-encasing gimp costume. But in reality, the fetish & the material both are far more versatile than what has been made out to be.
For newbies in Latex fetish subculture or ones who want to develop the kink themselves, the thought of wearing restrictive tight clothing made out of something as rigid & elastic as latex can seem like a daunting & intimidating task. But that’s only the scepticism & unfamiliarity that accompanies the initial excitement of it.
So, let’s go over some tips for beginners who want to explore the vast lifestyle of wearing latex.
Mix it up
Firstly, one should not go overboard on the first experience with latex clothing. It takes quite a while to adjust to the feeling & experience of it. Therefore, it is always recommended to try out latex with a mix of cotton-like breathable materials, to facilitate a somewhat seamless transition from cotton-based clothing to something as extreme as latex. Latex is much different in terms of quality, comfort & fitting to more conventional materials like cotton & polyester. Thus, it’s better to find a middle ground between the two materials in the form of clothing made from mixtures of latex & cotton.
Next thing to keep in mind is the fact that latex is known for its body-hugging qualities & because of this clinginess, it can get uncomfortable to say the least.
Therefore, using talcum powder & a lot of it before putting on the outfit can go a long way in maintaining comfort levels & mobility, while reducing friction. It’s also very important to carry it around if one is wearing latex outdoors in public. The material allows more room to breathe & higher flexibility if a lot of talcum powder is applied to the body. Put simply, the powder prevents it from hugging & clinging to one part of the body.
Stay away from sharp objects
It’s also of utmost importance to understand the nature & durability of the cloth & the condition because latex is a material that doesn’t hold up too well in real-world conditions if not maintained properly.
Therefore, it’s essential that the person planning to wear latex clothes has to stay away from sharp objects because the cloth will definitely tear up if touched or pricked by a sharp or pointed object.
Another rule of thumb to be kept in mind while wearing latex is to always try & keep friction created against the cloth to the minimum possible level because friction is another thing that can corrode through the material of latex. Also, friction can cause burns on the skin. Therefore, it’s always better to be mindful of the environment one is around & the seating positions one is going to assume throughout the period while one plans to wear the material.
Not all situations are suitable for latex wear.
Be mindful of cleaning & maintenance
Rubber fetishists are known for their commitment to meticulous detail when it comes to the performance of their fetishism. However, to have a fulfilling experience with latex clothing, one needs to also be wary of the aspect of cleaning & maintaining the cloth. Latex requires a lot of maintenance & has to be cleaned everytime after use without fail for it to be long lasting & to prevent the material from spoiling. Cleaning latex regularly is mandatory. But no worries- it’s not a headache and in fact, real easy. You will simply have to give it a quick but thorough wipe down with a damp cloth.
Wearing latex is not for everyone.
The fetish involves strong dedication to it. So, a person thinking of integrating into the Rubberist scene needs to be certain of the commitment that needs to be put into it.
The Equinox at Blackthorne Manor was a wonderful and yet serious time, as always. As the shortening days promote introspection and a greater sense of community. We tend to talk more, about what the Manor means to all of us who have made it our lives’ work, and what it means to our guests. The fact that we are all pagan, of one sort or another and to a greater or lesser degree of diligence, and that our guests might be similarly described has always seemed such a natural state of affairs that no-one before has thought to raise the issue in discussion.
We were at dinner with a crowd of friends after the equinox ritual relishing the finest of traditional celtic dishes; roast pork loin with vegetables (Muicc-fheoil), pottage (Craibechan), oatcakes, honey and butter, cheese, apples and shortbread. Well, we had polished that lot off, and were well into the best mead, which may have prompted the remarks “so what is it about pagans that we love to dress up in leather and have sex and flog each other?” “And what is it about the leatherfolk with their ritualized Rites of Passage?” “Come to think of it, how about those Russian flagellant sects that were vegetarian?”
It would be impossible to transcribe verbatim the hilarious, raunchy, speculative and occasionally thoughtful debate that followed, but there were a lot of interesting points made, and I offer the following comparison of the Pagan and the BDSM communities in the three areas of Beliefs, Practices and Personal Qualities as a basis for further winter fireside discussion.
Importance of Ritual
The act of ritualizing an event or activity can dramatically increase the impact of that activity on an individual. Particularly when that individual is the focus of attention in the ritual then marked changes in perception of self and surroundings may occur. A Rite of Passage ritual in the Pagan community may, for example, celebrate the transition into adulthood for a young person. A similar ritual in the BDSM community is often used, although generally with less dramatic flair, to test and acknowledge a dominants’ mastery of a new skill. In both cases there is a challenge to the individual to show that they are ready for new responsibilities and privileges. The ritualizing of the process emphasises that new responsibilities are to be taken seriously, that they have an effect upon others when exercised and thus there is a social dimension in that there is a community interest in the exercise of the newly bestowed power.
Direct experience of the spiritual realm
Participation in both Pagan ritual and a BDSM “Scene” frequently induces an elevated state of consciousness more commonly associated with religious or spiritual practice. The experience is direct, with no need for an authoritative intermediary. The pagan ritualist and the dungeon master alike are facilitators of the process, shaping the ritual and directing the attention of the participants to enable the experience of trance or sub-space, rather than invoking a highter power on behalf of the participants.
Sexual arousal as a personal resource
Here too the commonality of the Pagan and the BDSM communities in this aspect is most apparent when examined in contrast to popularly accepted belief. The intensely rational mainstream western culture does not formally acknowledge the healing and transformational effects of sexual ecstasy, admitting only physical pleasure, if indeed it strays beyond the reproductive imperative and the concept of marital duty. The alternative communities regard sex as one way of raising energy, inspiring and focusing willpower, to achieve personal growth, insight and change. This intent is recognized within the tantric yogas, but its pervasiveness across other cultures and practices has remained obscure.
The importance of transcendence
Within the BDSM and Pagan communities there is a belief that a fulfilling life is one that offers transcendence. The identification of boundaries that contain the individual’s’ experience of life, and define other’s experience of that individual is a common endeavor, and the desire to explore the realms beyond these physical, mental and emotional boundaries is a common goal of ritual and practice. The Body Modification Movement for example seeks to change the perception that the body that one is born with is immutable outside the ravages of age, accident and disease.
The political views of these communities are more varied than one might imagine. It is a curious fact that some Christian chat boards on the net that extoll the virtues of obedience and worship are indistinguishable in substance from BDSM community forums. There are some deeply conservative, profoundly masochistic individuals within the BDSM community and similarly doctrinal pagans. The extremes of left and right are well represented, and engage in familiar debate within the language and norms of the subcultures.
Whether Sybarite or Ascetic, the Pagan or Leatherman acknowledges the power of sensual experience by indulging or deliberately denying it. From the pagan Temple of Aphrodite to the bonds, blindfolds and mortification of the Scene, the manipulation of physical experience complemented by a ritually focused and elevated consciousness is a core aspect of Pagan and Scene practice.
Both communities delight in holding festivals, from long weekends to week-long events. Festivals are opportunities to live the lifestyle in community for a while, without the necessity of reverting to a “normal” persona to present to the world at large. In order to ensure that the greater freedom of the festival environment does not translate to inappropriate, invasive behaviour, the respective communities have developed policies and procedures to ensure that the responsibilities that go with freedom are not overlooked by immature or exploitative individuals. For many, the greatest hazard of going to festival, whether pagan or kink, is the unpleasantness of re-entry into conventional society. The adaptation back to regular clothes and cautious behaviour may take several days of conscious effort before it becomes habitual again. For some first time attendees, the definition of normal is changed forever.
Self policing and protective community structure
Subcultures that refuse to adopt the conventions and norms of society-at-large are universally vulnerable to attempts by that greater society to disallow the public or even the private expression of the subculture. However powerful and unassailable the subculture feels itself to be, there are inevitably legal remedies that can be used against them, and ultimately, established civil authorities may invoke the force of arms to impose their wishes. Subcultures can generally only survive by being inoffensive, invisible, or rebel heroes, and in the case of the Pagan and BDSM communities, amongst others, are particularly vulnerable to former members who decide to “blow the whistle” in revenge for personal slights. The tolerance of local authorities evaporates quickly when they are forced to pay attention to something so as not to appear unrepresentative of community interests. Thus these communities pay a great deal of attention to screening new members of organized groups, and self-policing for abusive or attention-getting behaviour. The value of discretion is emphasised, as is responsibility within and outside of the organization.
Especially in the light of the last paragraph above outlining the potential legal problems faced by members of the Pagan and BDSM communities it is not surprising that there is a rigorous darwinian selection process at work within the communities. The naive, the stupid and the troublesome are usually excluded. It is found that members of these communities are generally better educated, have a greater degree of autonomy, are more charitable and compassionate and less susceptible to peer pressure than is usually found. Although their integrity will be closely examined, newcomers are welcome and knowledge is freely shared. There is a great deal of fun and adventure to be had, and lasting friendships are widespread as well as a strong sense of community in the traditional sense of like minded folk coming together to share common interests, help each other out, educate where there is interest and defend against attack.
On a recent Friday night at the DoubleTree hotel near the San Jose airport, nearly a hundred Pagan BDSM enthusiasts gathered in a conference room. In the middle of the room sat a small table adorned with a brightly colored cloth and several floggers of varying sizes.
Chairs lined the outer edge of the room, and when those quickly filled up, people sat, reclined, and outright laid on the floor of the hotel’s aggressively autumn-themed carpet. This was the Sacred BDSM workshop at PantheaCon, the largest Pagan convention on the West Coast, which includes numerous non-traditional spiritual traditions that fall under the Pagan umbrella.
Though the San Jose DoubleTree may strike you as the least witchy locale imaginable, it was anything but on this long weekend in February, when thousands gathered to meet, learn, network, conduct rituals and play. Age range and attire at the Sacred BDSM workshop ran the gamut, from teens to retirees, from tie-dye to military, mesh bodices, combat boots, utilikilts, flowing skirts and hair dyed every shade of the rainbow.
Dressed in a floor-length black gown and bondage collar, Linda Spencer, the workshop’s presenter, opened with a discussion of safe BDSM practices and consent, then largely let attendees steer the discussion, which was respectful, but not without its funny moments. One white-haired gentleman in jeans and a button-down asked Spencer if she needed any volunteers, and if so, said he would like to offer himself. A young woman spoke about how discovering BDSM helped her recover from sexual trauma, and several sex workers discussed the Pagan archetype of the “sacred whore,” and championed the concept of sex work as a form of spiritual practice.
“We welcome sexuality as yet another experience not to be ashamed of.” — Linda Spencer
BDSM actually has a storied history within Paganism. Both BDSM and Paganism, in varied forms, have been around for eons. But as a movement, Paganism came to the public consciousness in the 1950s, mainly through one charismatic and somewhat controversial British man, Gerald Gardner, the godfather of Traditional Wicca. Gardnerian Wicca often employed mild BDSM techniques in rituals—scourging (flogging), skyclad (public nudity) and bondage. Another leading British figure, Aleister Crowley, leader of the occult fraternal order Ordo Templi Orientis, hosted magic experiments and drug-fueled sex parties, which were much sensationalized in the tabloids of the day.
There are people who view Paganism’s sex rituals and sexual initiations—like Gardner’s Great Rite, which can involve nudity, scourging and semi-public heterosexual intercourse—as questionable and potentially resulting in abuses of power. As such, consent and ethics in Pagan communities are heavily discussed, not merely in relation to BDSM but more broadly—this year’s PantheaCon also offered workshops like “Creating Culture of Consent: Sacred Sexuality.” Generally, Paganism is more sex-positive compared to most mainstream religions, with its welcoming attitudes about sexual diversity, inclusion and the belief that magic is inherently sexual. As Spencer, the workshop leader, put it, “We welcome sexuality as yet another experience not to be ashamed of.”
“Kink also does something that many Pagans value: It lets you go on a journey.” — Dr. Carol Queen
When looking back at her former life as a sex worker, Dr. Carol Queen—a sexologist, Pagan and author of several books, including The Sex and Pleasure Book with Shar Rednour—said that the concept of sacred kink has been significant to her. “Modern Goddess spirituality,” a spiritual practice that takes the feminine as its higher power, “makes the argument that some sex workers of yore were priestesses who ‘showed the face of the Goddess’ to men for money,” she said. This evolved into the “sacred whore” archetype, which holds that sex, including sex for money, can take the form of spiritual enlightenment.
Queen also noted that while kinksters and Pagans don’t always overlap, they do have much in common. “Both groups might understand themselves as building an alternative community outside of mainstream norms,” she said. “Kink also does something that many Pagans value: It lets you go on a journey.”
For Spencer, this journey is both a cathartic and spiritual and occurs “at the insistence of pain” with her partner, which she likens to aspects of certain Native American rituals, such as a vision quest. “I don’t know necessarily that he views it like that, but he does seem to feel moved to make me have emotional experiences … I am in control of so many things in my day to day life that my need to let go and have someone else take control, even if it is for a little while, is extremely freeing for me.”
Spencer stresses that play with her partner is always loving and attentive, and progresses from gentle spanking or caning to more intense acts, as she moves through a range of emotions. “First, I’ll start happy and giddy. I will move into a type of defiance, usually laughing while I squirm. I then move into a process of experiencing the pain and trying to be in the moment, always voicing my likes and dislikes at what he is doing,” she says. “Next, I tend to move into a very quiet acceptance of what is happening … At some point, I completely lose all composure.” For the two, these acts are ritualistic and intense: “These experiences are transformative, if we both allow them to be, and it is beautiful.”
“Sacred sex and sacred kink do something very crucial for many people: They give a kind of spiritual permission for erotic desire and practice.” — Dr. Carol Queen
Panels on BDSM/sacred kink are increasingly common at Pagan festivals and conferences, and this is likely due in part to a broader acceptance of BDSM in the mainstream. Until just a few years ago, kinky sex was considered a mental illness. In 2013, the American Psychiatric Association removed BDSM from its newest edition of its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The new definitions meant that consenting adults were no longer pathologized for engaging in sexual behaviors outside the mainstream.
“BDSM and kink, like chastity cages seen in Google ranks, are definitely having a moment, for sure,” Queen said, “sacred sex and sacred kink do something very crucial for many people: They give a kind of spiritual permission for erotic desire and practice. This is so important for people whose religious background gives them the opposite.”
It makes sense that those drawn to BDSM might also be drawn to the inclusivity and progressivism that Paganism is known for. “All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals” says the Wiccan Charge of the Goddess, a ritual poem by Doreen Valiente, which has become a standard in many modern Pagan groups. The Wiccan Rede, a kind of 10 Commandments for Wicca, reads: “An it harm none, do as thou wilt,” surely a mantra that would be equally applicable to consensual BDSM practices.
Pagans also tend to be more accepting of same-sex relationships, body positivity, polyamory, transgender rights and other expressions of gender and sexuality that are sometimes marginalized. Accordingly, sexual minorities of all stripes have ﬂocked to the movement. This isn’t to say that Pagan communities are without their share of homophobia, sexism or transphobia, but diversity and inclusion are what many Pagans strive for. In a 2011 PantheaCon controversy, for instance, transwomen were purportedly excluded from a women-only ritual. This led to a formal talk about gender discrimination at the Con as well as months of discussions and blog posts.
Many scholars suggest that feminist and queer Pagans helped usher in a broader acceptance within the community. With the rise of queer- and feminist-identified strands of Paganism, practitioners started to adopt queer and transgender deities and to reexamine BDSM practices, which had been around since the beginning of the movement (as in the Great Rite, for instance). Some of these practices had remained in the metaphorical broom closet due to stigma.
With increased tolerance related to gender and sexual diversity, BDSM has also started to be legitimized as not only a potentially safe and healthy outlet for sexual expression but also a tool for healing and religious transformation. “Many of the people who discover and embrace Paganism are … wounded from anti-sex—especially anti-sexual diversity—religious structures,” said Queen.
“Paganism and the community they find within it become very healing and significant because sex is so honored within Pagan thought.”
In the last ten years or so, people in the BDSM community have begun to realize that dramatic, intense, and even dangerous sexual practices can be used as spiritual tools for a variety of purposes. Sometimes this realization comes about by looking into the SM-like practices of older cultures, which mostly have to do with their religious beliefs. Sometimes it comes about more radically and personally, in the middle of a scene that was just supposed to be kinky sex, but suddenly became something much deeper and older and more connected to the Divine. Sometimes, after one clears one’s head and comes down from the experience, one starts to say things like, “That was closer to God/the gods than I’ve ever been before. How do I get there again?”
Primitive cultures have used physical and emotional and sexual ordeals in order to achieve altered states a lot more often than we modern westerners would like to admit. We can utilize some of their techniques, but their contexts are often opaque to us, as we weren’t raised in their tribal culture. We need to create our own set of ordeal rituals that resound with our experiences and yet do not partake of the negative materialism in our society. Indeed, they should ideally be an antidote to it.
We can see a beginning of this yearning for physical ordeal rituals in the wave of modern primitivism sweeping the country, with its attendant practices of piercing, tattooing, and other temporary and permanent body modification. The fact that teens flock to it in droves speaks not only of the enduring problem of peer pressure, but of the driving need for rites of passage that feel real, that feel as if one has actually survived something worth doing. Those who go on past the point of belly button rings and Mickey Mouse tattoos may find themselves hanging from hooks on a suspension rack, seeking – and possibly finding – oneness with the Divine Force through their own flesh and brain chemicals. They may not realize that this is what they are unconsciously seeking until it comes and gets them, however, and this is why the folks who oversee such things should be well versed in ritual and magic as well as simply where to stick hooks and needles.
BDSM & Neo-Paganism
The neo-pagan community has, in general, been more than a bit suspicious of the BDSM and body modification phenomenon that is slowly gaining momentum across its demographic. Their objections are many. Radical pagan feminists may still be wrapped up in the political concept that all painful sex or sexual power dynamics are, or will inevitably become, abusive. People who just don’t like pain may see its deliberate infliction as abusive, and the desire for that infliction as sick and codependent. The black-leather-and-studs urban aesthetic that soaks so much of BDSM may seem to clash dissonantly with the bucolic fantasy aesthetic of neo-pagans, whose priest/esses all too often dress like Galadriel or an escapee form the 1960s hippie movement. Its other aesthetic, that of its primitive tribal roots, may discomfort idealistic pagans who would prefer to ignore the darker or more painful aspects of the “natural” primitivism that they idealize. Straight pagans may see BDSM as something that queers in leather bars do, and queer pagans may see it as an infection from 1950’s marital power dynamics. No one seems to want it anywhere that children might see it, and perhaps be swayed from a fruit-and-flowers ideal of “normal” happy sex. And, finally, most don’t see how it could possibly be sacred.
All acts of love and pleasure are Her rituals, says the old maxim from “Aradia”, and it has been taken as gospel by most pagans. However, people tend to be extremely subjective about what looks like an act of love or pleasure to them, and they tend to judge it on their own desire for that act, not whether someone else might find it just the ticket for a hot Saturday night. All too often, if it isn’t something they want to do, then it must be bad. One can almost sense that desperation covering up for a sense of guilt…..if that sort of thing is acceptable, someone might ask me to do it, and I’d have to say no, and I’d feel guilty. So it’s easier for me if it’s simply unacceptable and no one would ever dream of asking it, or if they did, I could act horrified or superior instead of risking rejection. Maybe that’s not most people’s reasons for acting like that, but sometimes I wonder.
All Acts of Love and Pleasure
Let’s make this personal instead of theoretical. I was asked by a fellow author, busily writing a book on pagan sexual practices, to talk about how sacred sexuality worked in my life. I put the request on my desktop, thinking that this would be the easiest thing in the world – after all, I believe that sex is sacred, right? I do ritual sex on a regular basis. This questionnaire ought to be a piece of cake.
Except that it wasn’t. It sat there for weeks, and every once in a while I’d pick it up and look at it, and put it down again. Finally I got angry with my Self, and demanded to know what the problem was. Thus cornered, Self admitted that there was indeed a problem, and it was one of Self-censorship. I’d been assuming that I ought to write something sweet and New Age about sexuality being sacred, and the body being sacred, and we should all just find new ways to love each other, and all that.
Screw that. That’s not what my sex life is about. I decided to be honest instead.
I’m a pervert. I’m a sick fuck. By that I mean that I am incapable of getting it up for anything vanilla. In order to be sexually satisfied, I have to have some sort of real violence or pain or domination going on – if only in fantasy. My sexual fantasies are all incredibly violent and grotesque, and so is my porn collection. I am a serious fucking sexual sadist, and I’ve got a decent masochistic streak in there as well. For Hel’s sake, I own a slave. And I do mean *own*, we’re not playing about it. I like blood and knives and vicious beatings and scaring the shit out of someone. No human being is ever more attractive to me than when they are so frightened and turned on that they don’t know whether to shit themselves in terror or come really, really hard. Even among BDSM aficionados, I’m one of the edge-players, the folks who the “ordinary” leather folk look at funny and talk about behind one’s back. This is the way I’ve always been. I can’t change that. I’m wired this way.
And how can that possibly be sacred?
I’ll tell you how. Because I am also a shaman, I have died and come back (literally, had a near-death experience, a series of divine visitations, and a sex change, and that’s about as severe as a shamanic rebirth gets in our modern culture) and everything I do must be channeled towards the sacred. I am as much as slave as my boy is, and my Mistress, my dominatrix, She Who Owns My Ass, is Hel, the goddess of Death. And she is one mean fucking top. If I don’t do what she wants, she will kick my ass from here to Niflheim. And she makes sure that I stay ethical, and in spiritual service to my people and my tribe.
(Who are my tribe? They are many and scattered. They are my family and my religious group. They are my transgendered brothers and sisters. They are my queer and perverted brothers and sisters. They are whatever pagans come to me and need my help. I am one of the few shamans who serves these groups with a whole heart.)
Pain, Catharsis, & Power
I’ll try to break it down…I’m writing a book on this, called “Dark Moon Rising: Pagan BDSM”. I’ve found that spiritual BDSM can be broken down into three major areas. I work with all three. They are:
1) Using carefully applied pain in a specific ritual context in order to bring the bottom into an altered state by using their own endorphins, and thus bring them closer to Spirit. Human beings have been doing this for eons. Traditional examples of this are the Lakota Sun Dance, the Hindu Kavandi ceremony and ball dances, the Catholic flagellatory orders, and so on. It’s the Ordeal Path, one of the Eightfold Path of altered states, and it’s easier than doing drugs. To give someone this experience, the top has to be skilled, knowledgeable, respectful, and compassionate, and really love making someone hurt real bad. It’s the Initiator path. I know it well, and I do it for people – sometimes as a service, sometimes (with my own lovers) because I choose to take them down that road for their good and mine. As a sexual sadist, I crave hurting people. To do this work makes it not only ethical (through consent) but sacred, and gives them a gift of an intense ordeal that they will not forget, and that will help them work with their own limits around pain and fear and endurance.
2) Using intense psychological theater in a ritual context to create a personally-tailored emotional ordeal for the bottom, whereby they travel to the dark places in themselves and come out safely, and having learned useful things in the process. This is the archetypal Journey To The Underworld, and the top has to be both the psychopomp who gets them in and out, and the stand- in for the implacable Death Gods who inhabit that dark place. To do this job, the top has to be perceptive, good at reading people, dramatic, good at creating intensely moving ritual structure, and utterly ruthless. We have to channel the Underworld forces through ourselves, and we cannot chicken out or we cheat the seeker. Whether it’s the rape or molestation victim who needs to reenact her issue to get a better handle on it, or the phobic person who needs to face a fear head- on, or the grieving one who needs to be forced to cry….it is our sacred task as priest/esses of the Underworld to take them all the way in, and get them back out alive and better than they were. As a psychic vampire, I crave fear and pain and anger and sex. This is the way I’ve found to get it that is not only merely ethical – which is a zero-sum game – but is sacred as well, doing far more good than harm.
3) Using full-time serious D/s as a spiritual path. This is rare even among perverts. My boy and I practice an extremely serious level of dominance-submission work (i don’t call it play, because there is nothing playful about the way we do it) which means, in essence, that he has sworn his life to serve me. To him, it is a path of sacred service that is very much like being a monk or nun; he’s referred to being owned as “the monasticism of BDSM”. Neo-paganism rejects monasticism and spiritual discipline, which I think is a big mistake. On my part, I have always had a strong psychological need to own someone completely, and he has always had a similar need to be completely owned. This has gotten us both in trouble with unsuitable partners, before we could quite figure out what it was that we needed.
At any rate, for me this amazing gift of his service is a test that will last the rest of my life, a lesson in using power ethically and wisely. I have great power over another human being, of the sort that most people are convinced will inevitably result in corruption and abuse….and yet I don’t have the option of being less than rigidly ethical about it. I can’t abuse him, or Hel will come down with her spiked boots and kick my ass. Using power wisely is a lesson that is to be driven home to me in this lifetime, and I can neither screw up nor refuse the gift. So we have a very elaborate contract as to what I may and may not do to him, and what he is required to do for me, and I have a lot less power than most “fantasy” tops, by my own choice. He is the king’s servant, the priest’s monk, the master’s padawan. I must respect and aid his spiritual path of service, which means I have to get it right.
I would say that the theme of the point where my sexuality and my spirituality cross is one of redemption. The monster in my psychic basement is awesome. Turning his every tainted desire and drive and need into something useful, something that serves others, something that serves the Spirit, and yet gets that monster’s needs met adequately, that’s the challenge that drives and structures my entire life, not just my sex life. I live by spiritual discipline, because it’s the only safe choice – for myself and for others. Somehow, Hel needs a sick fuck vampire sadist to get this job done. She finds me useful as I am. I’m not arguing with her.
And it Harm None…
The main ethical rede of the neo-pagan community is “An it harm none, do as thou wilt.” How, people ask, can it be anything but harm when someone stumbles out of a scene with bruises and welts? When their blood runs in trails down their body? When they weep and scream and are trodden under someone’s heavy boot? When they sign their life over to someone else that they will call Sir or Ma’am for however long their agreement lasts? Or, alternately, when they put themselves in a place where they could become a tyrant, a monster, a serial killer? Where one slip could start them down the slippery slope that ends with bodies being buried in the back yard?
Look into our eyes. By our desires ye shall know us. We who are changelings of the Dark Moon, whose wiring is built for this sort of thing, we are not happy with the fruit-and-flowers sex of the upper world and its sunny gods. We are like Inanna, who walked willingly into the realm of Death, who was stripped of her name and her power, who was hung on a hook over the throne of the Queen of Death, who had to be ransomed back by those who turn gender on its head and who are willing to weep. She did it because there was no other way to touch the deep wisdom that she sought, no way but to stumble along dark paths to the katabasis point, and trust in all the wisdom of the Underworld that you may one day emerge triumphant.
Look into our eyes. When we return with those bruises, do we walk taller and stronger? When we touch our cuts, are we more serene? When we give up our power, do we grow more sure of ourselves? When we accept power over another, do we learn more compassion? Do we return from the Underworld better for the journey? That’s how you know, those of you who are worried, whether we’re doing it right.
Look into our eyes. If you see darkness reflected there, is it the darkness of roots, of ocean depths, of the night sky and the sickle moon, of the graves of the Ancestors? Is it sacred darkness? Does it smell of Herne’s thick woods, of Kali’s cremation ground, of the hem of the robe of the Crone? Is it the burning ground of resurrection and rebirth? Does it frighten you? It doesn’t frighten us. We’ve been there. Its ashes are smeared on our foreheads. Come follow us down, even a little way.
They say that once people had walked into the cave of the Eleusinian Mysteries, had seen the sacred rites of which nothing true can be spoken, that they no longer feared Death. We are struggling to recreate our own versions of those mysteries, and the one thing we know better than all others is that they cannot be easy. There is nothing easy about the Ordeal Path, but then again, nothing worthwhile ever turned out to be easy anyway.
Take the roses into your hands, and squeeze the thorns until your hands bleed, even as you smell the scent of Aphrodite. When you can understand why there is no contradiction there, the first step of the path will be open to you.